These are some of the questions I've been asked over the years, which I have only been able to answer now. I am sorry for the delay. Some of the questions were very difficult for me to answer. I realize that it was selfish of me to keep my experiences to myself if there were a chance that they might be able to help people who are going through the same things. I'm still trying to find my way with some things as well, but I hope
this helps.
Take care of yourself,
Connie Madson
This page contains subject matter which might be disturbing for some readers.
- [FAQ]: What is your view on women who fall in love with married men? What is your view on a woman who tries to steal someone else’s husband?
[Connie Madson]: I have a fair amount of experience with married men who have / attempt to have relationships outside of their marriage. I have dated some men who kept their marriage a secret from me. Although I did not fall in love with any of them, I did welcome that possibility with a few of them…all this, of course, before finding out that they were married. I immediately stopped seeing these men when I found out they were married or attached to someone else. It becomes obvious soon enough that a man is hiding something. For matters of personal dignity, and what the current Dalai Lama calls “compassionate thought” for the man’s wife, a woman should discontinue pursuing a relationship with a married man. We women know how much we hurt when we are betrayed. It is therefore cruel and distressful for a woman to take or attempt to take another woman’s husband.
A wife should consider and understand that the woman her husband is having an affair with might not be aware that he is married, and even if the woman is knowledgeable of the man’s marriage, the wife must know that it takes two to tango, meaning her husband is not completely innocent. Even if the other woman is vilified, an attack against the woman on the wife’s part will vilify her own self and make the wife’s character appear questionable. (Click here to read Penny’s Story)
There are many reasons why men cheat on their wives. Many men have spoken to me about this matter.
1. Confusion, internal dissatisfaction of the man with himself. He feels he has failed at something; it doesn’t necessarily have to do with his wife. He might even feel, in some ways, inferior to his wife if he is undergoing turmoil and his wife appears to be happy and successful, and he therefore seeks out a woman who does not make him feel inferior, or a woman who might be undergoing the same internal problems. (Click here to read Penny’s Story, or On kindness towards men)
2. Alienation from the wife caused by the wife’s insensitivity, lack of support, lack of affection. This is fairly one-sided, and the husband feels unloved, not special, so he looks for solace in another woman willing to love him and make him feel special. (Click here to read On kindness towards men)
3. Insensitivity by both husband and wife and lack of compromise and putting in the necessary work to understand each other.
4. Oversight, unintentional lack of understanding on the man’s part on how hurtful betrayal is to his wife, i.e., “I just want to have a fling. What my wife doesn’t know won’t hurt her; besides I don’t intend to leave my wife.”
5. Self-centeredness and egocentricity of the man. He believes his needs are more important than anyone else’s, including that of his wife’s, and he believes he is therefore exonerated from his promise to remain faithful. This is the most dangerous and damaging reason. The character of the husband is weak and possibly irreparably flawed, unless he makes a conscious effort to improve and be more kind and considerate. I’ve heard men say this about their wives, “I just got bored,” or, “It just wasn’t good enough for me.”
It is important to note that I do actually respect polygamous marriages as long as the marriages are not coerced. If a man is a good husband to all his wives and a good father to all his children, it is a morally superior condition than having a man who has only one wife but abuses her physically or emotionally through irresponsible and inconsiderate behavior (such as abandonment, lack of financial and emotional support to wife and children, and so on). However, if it is understood between husband and wife, verbally, culturally, or religiously, that their marriage is a monogamous one, then it would be immoral—because it is a conscious breech of trust—for either husband or wife to have an affair. A man must understand the pain and the state of bereavement, and in this case bereavement is an appropriate word and not a hyperbole, he puts his wife in when he has an affair. (click here to read On kindness towards women) It is especially hurtful when the wife is a good and kind woman who has worked hard at her relationship. (click here to read The Good Woman, or Penny’s Story) A woman is sensitive. It is what makes her a woman; it is what makes her affectionate, attentive, and soothing. A man has to also understand that even a very good woman will be imperfect, and should recognize that he himself is not above this condition.
- [FAQ]: What is your view on Judaism?
[Connie Madson]: I have Jewish ancestry. Many of my relatives were forced to convert because of persecution and because they wanted acceptance in society. I am very sympathetic to a lot of Jewish causes.
Mark Twain had this to say about Jews:
“The Jews constitute but 1% of the human race ... It suggests a nebulous dim puff of star dust lost in the blaze of the Milky Way. Properly the Jew ought hardly be heard of; but he is heard of, has always been heard of…His contributions to the world’s list of great names are away out of proportion to the weakness of his numbers. He has made a marvelous fight in the world, in all the ages; and has done it with his hands tied behind him. He could be vain of himself, and be excused for it. The Egyptian, the Babylonian, and the Persian rose…the Greek and the Roman followed, and made a vast noise, and they are gone…The Jew saw them all, and is now what he always was, exhibiting no decadence, no infirmities of age, no dulling of his alert mind. All things are mortal but the Jew…What is the secret of his immortality?”
Suggesting that the Jew is immortal and all else is not is a bit melodramatic, of course. Mark Twain uses this hyperbole to drive a point: Jews are generally very successful, intellectual, self sufficient, hard working people. This is generally true because historically Jews tended to be outcasts or misunderstood foreigners. They needed to be competitive, alert, and skilled so as to prevent themselves from being dispensable in the societies they had to live in. It wasn’t always a successful formula; their success bred jealousy. In Medieval England, Jews were blamed for the outbreak of the Black Death. In Eastern Europe, there was and still is a lot anti-Semitism (i.e. publication of propaganda material such as the “Protocols of the Elders of Zion”), and of course we all know about what happened in Nazi Germany. (click here to read an excerpt from Opa, or Lunch with a survivor of a Nazi Prison Camp)
I have studied some Jewish Texts. The Talmud has a very extensive collection on pragmatic and honorable doctrines especially on business ethics which have yet to be developed to the same degree in many other religions including Christianity. There are, however, some doctrines in kosher law and the Chabad which I find questionable. It is important to understand though, and this applies to all religions, that some philosophers and prophets—quite often, the more ancient ones—who have contributed to religious dogma, may have had questionable motives.
- [FAQ]: You got a quote from Jesus Christ? Do you believe in him?
[Connie Madson]: I think whether or not Jesus Christ was divine or just a man does not tarnish at all his significance in the history of humanity. The Greek Philosophers dabbled into what was infinite truth, however none of them performed nor applied such doctrines equal to or as graceful as Jesus Christ’s. Forgiveness, equality between men and women, universal, racial and cultural acceptance, although not discussed in the aggressive political manner we are used to today, made up the foundation of Christ’s philosophy.
It is a sad thing that, in Christianity, many self serving people have influenced lost people under false pretenses using their parochial views.
An intelligent person, being mentally more sophisticated, would of course understand that, although a religion may have imperfect or questionable representatives, this should not at all be confused with or affect the interpretation and the motives of a religion’s dogma, unless the representatives in question have contributed a vast amount of doctrines which make up the foundation of a religion’s dogma.
“I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
- Mohandas Gandhi
Gandhi was mostly referring to the treatment of British colonizers towards Indians. Equality was a subtle message prevalent in a lot of what Christ preached, something that many of the British did not apply in their treatment of Indians at that time.
- [FAQ]: What is your view on people who are humanist, atheist or agnostic?
[Connie Madson]: I believe it is important to believe in a supreme, moral being, representing a clear, intelligent, humble, concise idea for what is infinite truth. There is a general innate commonality and innate understanding between most cultures of what is infinitely right and infinitely wrong, and history has proven these principles to yield good results to those who practiced them.
Once in a great while, you get a truly pious Pope, a truly peace loving Buddhist, a thoroughly deserving saint, but that is once in a great while. This is why religion exists. We strive and need to be better than human. In this case, human meaning the imperfections—or sins, if you’d like to call them that—mankind has inflicted on itself.
Without a divinely perfect paragon to attach our principles to, we would have to attach them to possibly very imperfect examples, and we have in the past already attached them on very imperfect examples (Pol-Pot, Hitler, to name some), and you can see how catastrophic these standards are to humanity.
- [FAQ]: You’ve experienced quite harsh racism, beginning at the age of 6. What are some of your experiences with racism?
[Connie Madson]: Yes, I did experience racism as early as 6. I would say though that it was still quite delicate between 6 and 7. It was really when I entered elementary school when I experienced the worst of it. It lessened in high school, and became very occasional in college. There were physical aspects to what I experienced, but they were mostly psychological aspects which I found to be the most hurtful and disturbing. For example, I had been placed in a special education class for slower students for several years in spite of having passed qualifying tests for the advanced classes. I had a science teacher for several years who said that white people were dirty and spread disease, and basically were to blame for all the problems that third world countries, and because of this, people treated me like a leper. They wouldn’t sit close to me, they didn’t speak to me. Touching me or even brushing up against me by accident was considered contamination, and it was the butt of many jokes. I was ostracized. I had been accused on several occasions of cheating academically when I did not cheat, and my grades suffered greatly from these accusations. There were also a series of punishments which I experienced, which I think no one, child or adult, should experience. One was to be stripped of clothing and to stand in front of the classroom for the whole duration of the class. Students who were not foreign did not receive this punishment. I was one of the very few foreigners in school. This is one of the more physical aspects of racism which I experienced.
- [FAQ]: Has racism scarred you?
[Connie Madson]: Sometimes when I remember these things, I feel sad. But it is because of these things that I can empathize with people who suffer, whether it is a physical or emotional form of suffering. It still surprises me sometimes when people ask me, “How did you know how I felt? Nobody else knew.” Or, “What made you care enough to ask how I felt?” I owe that to the racism I experienced as a child. I had to forgive those people. Their actions were a result of ignorance and perhaps jealousy, but I had to forgive them because they were not conscious of this, and also because if I did not, my heart could not have survived. (smiles) I learned empathy because of the hate I had to endure. I am not sorry for it at all.
- [FAQ]: You are somewhat of a comedienne aren’t you, although it isn’t what you do for a living? A lot of your jokes criticize different cultures and forms of government. Wouldn’t that be considered a form of racism?
[Connie Madson]: (Laughs) I think because I primarily look Caucasian and because I speak with a fairly neutral accent that people don’t realize that I am very mixed ethnically. I’m part Spanish, German, Chinese, and Filipino. I also have a mixed religious ancestry. I am a mongrel, and I know how to laugh at myself and some of my ancestry’s less sensible cultural aspects.
- [FAQ]: Does your way of thinking leave room for God or some kind of divinity?
[Connie Madson]: I think there are infinite truths, and there are principles which can be understood and appreciated by wise people of any culture. (smiles) I believe in God, but I suppose my belief in God might have a more romantic and intellectual aspect to it than many people would like. My education of God has mainly come from intellectual sources, so I might argue for example that the Old Testament has a lot of ethical loopholes in it, because it was largely written by men who personal or political agendas to fulfill. I think God is meant to inspire ethics, honor, a constant sense of responsibility to what is good and what is true, and not necessarily dictate which religion is true and which is false, or who will be saved and who will be condemned. I believe in forgiveness, and the New Testament does a very good job of teaching that virtue.
- [FAQ]: Your idea of forgiveness has a utopian varnish about it. Don’t you think you might be too much of an idealist? How much is too much?
[Connie Madson]: There are spiritual and practical reasons for forgiving. I once met up with a friend for coffee. I had a Jewish history book with me. She looked at me more closely, and then remarked that she could tell I had Jewish ancestry because my eyes were shaped like a frog’s. “The amphibious hopping creature,” she said. I stopped seeing her for a while, not because I was angry, but I was uncomfortable with what seemed to me a strongly racist remark. But later on I decided to invite her for dinner and continue to be friends. I know many people would’ve thought I was a pushover. They would’ve said, “Why didn’t you say something back?” Or, “Why are you still friends with her?” But this girl wanted my friendship, and she was happy to spend time together after being out of touch for a while. She felt I was a sincere person and a good friend, and whatever it is that she may have thought about me improved. “A wise man will make haste to forgive, because he knows the true value of time, and will not suffer it to pass away in unnecessary pain.” Samuel Johnson said that, and I believe that. I really believe that.
- [FAQ]: How can you be honorable and still work in advertising and marketing?
[Connie Madson]: During the Tylenol crisis in 1982, some people in the US died after taking Tylenol capsules. Somebody had tampered with some Tylenol bottles and laced them with potassium cyanide. James Burke, the CEO of Johnson & Johnson, made a decision to recall over 30 million Tylenol bottles, which was about $100 million or so in retail value. On top of that, Johnson & Johnson had a strong media campaign to keep the public informed of the crisis so that they would NOT take Tylenol until the crisis was over. The result, of course, was damaging to Tylenol’s market share, but because of James Burke’s responsibility to the safety of Johnson & Johnson’s customers, they regained their market share in a very short period of time. The public believed that Johnson & Johnson was looking out for them and not just for the profits of Johnson & Johnson. It was a risky move to tell people not to take Tylenol, but it was the ethical decision. In our advertising and marketing work, we make it a point not to work on products that might be harmful to people, animals, or the environment. We’ve maintained that credo. When a customer doesn’t know what is in the product and it might be harmful to him, we step in and say we won’t do work for this product. Some people would say that it is not the agency’s responsibility, but we make it our responsibility. I have a science background. I know very well what kind of damage even minute molecular amounts of carcinogenic chemicals can have. I make it a point to know what is in the products we work on. If it is not clear if the product is safe or not, we decline working on it. We have done work for tobacco companies in the past but now decline to do so. It was an ethical call.
- [FAQ]: What do you think of the use of sex in advertising for companies to market their products?
[Connie Madson]: I think sex is excessively used in advertising. I took up art as a little girl, so from a young age, I sketched and painted nude figures. I do not have any disdain for the naked human body. There is a time and place for it, however. One example I can point out, which I think is a tasteless way of using the human body, is the Gucci ad wherein the female model is leaning against a wall, and the male model is pulling down the woman’s underwear, revealing her pubic hair, shaved to form the Gucci logo. This is not a tasteful way of displaying the human body. That ad was meant to shock, nothing more. Nudity should be used tastefully and respectfully. The human body is a magnificent sculpture of the highest art form.
Also there are ads which use clever humor. On average they are more entertaining, imaginative, and unforgettable. The commercials done for Aiwa Sound, “You Gotta Hear This,” is a good example of using clever humor.
- [FAQ]: Who do you admire in particular?
[Connie Madson]: In recent history, Gandhi. His principles and ideas have no finiteness, not in the near future, or distant future. A thousand years from now, historians are not going to say, “Well, maybe his ideas were right for that time or period, but they certainly wouldn’t be applicable now.” His ideas and principles will always be applicable, and his virtues universally acknowledged and appreciated.
- [FAQ]: You discuss very controversial subjects such as social problems, politics, religion, in such a comfortable, almost side stepping, gray manner, and not a confrontational manner, not really as a critic. Some people would call that cowardice. What would you call it?
[Connie Madson]: (smiles) I call it being forgiving, being flexible. Yes, some people could say it is in a comfortable gray manner, not black and white. Sometimes you need black and white, but flexibility is also at times a virtue. One might say Maximilien Robespierre’s idea of a citizen’s virtue is inflexible, which is one of the reasons why the French Revolution was so catastrophic. Some things cannot be decided on so absolutely. That would be a form of despotism.
Alfred North Whitehead said, “It requires a very unusual mind to undertake the analysis of the obvious.” Certain types of behavior result in hurtful consequences. To me, going against the obvious makes me tantamount to someone kicking a dead horse. Many philosophical, political, psychological, and social theories do just that: go against what is obvious. Believing or creating something unusual and intellectually convoluted is a very attractive and entertaining enterprise for any human mind, but I am not a philosopher. I would like to write about virtue to inspire people to be virtuous, and be inspired myself, based on what history has shown and proven to be virtuous time and time again. You can only inspire and never coerce. Virtue cannot be coerced. It has to be a conscious and free decision and I have no desire to be controversial or confrontational. (smiles) I was a better critic back when I was a teenager almost useless as one now (smiles).
- [FAQ]: You’ve said on occasion that feminists would dislike you.
On what basis do you say that?
[Connie Madson]: I believe in a more traditional family, wherein one parent concentrates more on raising the children instead of a career. Many feminists believe this presents an impediment to equal rights. It goes against The Feminine Mystique. I’m not saying that women shouldn’t get degrees or shouldn’t work. I’m merely saying that women are better suited to taking care of children. They’re more sensitive, tolerant, patient…it is a biological situation, and not a political one. To me, it doesn’t make sense to argue with this condition. I try to be a reasonable woman. I would be daunted to ask a man to change the way his biochemistry works; to reprogram him to be as sensitive, as tolerant, as patient…to basically make him a woman. You cannot make a man a woman, and you cannot make a woman a man. The past 4 decades have shown the results of having parents who are confused of their gender roles. The spirit of the 60s, when the second and most aggressive wave of feminism came about, and free love really just meant free sex, left a lot of confused people, especially women, pining for what the meaning of love is, and who they should be. These shaky ideals led to a lot of families and marriages breaking down or being built on unsound foundations.
- [FAQ]: Do you think feminism has changed the way many men behave?
[Connie Madson]: Yes. I would say the effects are mostly evident in Western or Westernized countries. A lot of men have become disillusioned about women, thinking that because many women act the same way guys do that they can treat them with a callousness which traditionally would have been reserved for maybe a male friend or male colleague, and not for a woman. Also, it has confused many men as to what their traditional and, I may add, practical responsibilities are in a family. They have more expectations of women, which are in many cases unreasonable expectations, thinking women can be like men, and therefore can “take it like a man.” There are monetary expectations: she has to work ten hours a day and still have time to do the dishes, change the diapers, help with the home work, sing lullabies, constantly switching back and forth from being abrasive and aggressive to being kind and supportive. The meaning of a woman in the modern sense (past 4 decades) has become much more stringent and confusing.
- [FAQ]: I don’t want to be domesticated I'm not a breastfeeding woman. I am a modern woman. I want things for myself. I have needs. I want freedom. I want to dance. I am ambitious. I want to wield power in a world of men. What do you say to that?
[Connie Madson]: If that’s what makes you and your family happy, then be happy...
I think being a parent is the toughest job in the world. A lot of times stay at home moms get a lot of flack for not having a career. There is nothing degrading about it. I think even the best nanny or day care center can’t replace a parent’s love. When you become a parent, you are responsible for the physical and moral outcome of someone other than yourself, if that other person turns out well no other personal achievement can come as close.
I have a career, but it’s not what defines me. It’s a means for me to protect the people I love and will love. I try to stay as close to home as possible. A lot of people talk about “getting away from it all” but it’s actually when you are too long away from it all that you forget how to “handle it all” and make the most of out of life.
- [FAQ]: What kind of mistakes have you made as a woman?
[Connie Madson]: (laughs) I think I’ve gotten angry more than I should have but I’ve improved. I have made mistakes. I’m not perfect, that is for certain. I can sympathize with a woman or man who is a single parent. Sometimes, people fall in love with the wrong people. It is unavoidable. I try my best to be careful about sex and committing to someone who may be too young or too immature to understand commitment and love. Love cannot be ambiguous; responsibility is always attached to it. It is a clearly defined virtue which cannot faithfully exist in the midst of superficiality and selfishness. Still, I’m human. I make mistakes, I’ve lost my patience, I could afford to be more careful with words, but I try to constantly reflect on whether I am being honorable, and kind towards anyone, and that helps keep me in check. I’d rather get hurt than hurt someone else.
- [FAQ]: What kind of advice would you give to men and women?
[Connie Madson]: I cannot claim to possess any complete competence on advising, but I can point out some facts:
Casanova died alone. His stories of conquests of women were of no real interest to anyone after he had aged. He had a patron who took pity on him and gave him a home where he lived out the remainder of his life mostly in solitude.
I think, universally, good people with a fair amount of common sense agree that Tatiana Larina had a fair amount of what Jane Austen would call “Impulsive Sweetness.” The emotional and intellectual stirrings of a prodigy, and honor which should be adopted by any woman, imperfect yet loving, imperfect yet loyal.
There are things which people do not take proper caution of today. People are experimenting with their psyches in a way which is hurtful to themselves and others. It is not unlike the time when people experimented with the idea of communism and eugenics, except that it is a more personal hurt because they experiment with relationships between people, friends, family, lovers... People are not specimens, nor are they theoretical equations they shouldn’t experiment on themselves or others. You cannot approach a human relationship they way Robert Oppenheimer approached the Manhattan project. You can experiment and create fission of an atom but don’t even attempt to do that with the human heart it is far too complex to be quantified scientifically. Too many people have given too much credit to Freud.
The best thing for anyone to do is to reflect on what they have done at the end of each day. Have they honored their commitments? Did they offend someone, whether intentionally or through carelessness? It is difficult but doing the right thing is never easy. It is the most rewarding thing though…I have never felt this much at peace.
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